Archive for October, 2012

the old vs. the new

looking back on my 23 years of living life has empowered me to love the person i was, the person i am now, and the person i strive to be.the past has had its’ up and downs, the present does as well, and i can guarantee the future will too.
i have always been mentally strong, but i am learning everyday how to tackle certain challenges that come across and ways of dealing with things that seem out of my control.

i’m not like most people when it comes to looking back on their life. i don’t remember a lot of things before i was in grade school, only the stories i hear from my family. i grew up in a unique household. a 15 year old father who dropped out of high school because he knew he now had financial responsibilities for having a child and a mother who struggled as a single mom to get through college and find her place in this world. both of them together, even though separated, have made me into the person i am today. i grew up surrounded by love, yet i tended to shy away from it. i saw many couples in my family break apart and it kept me from getting close to anyone.
it was hard for me to make friends because i was shy, reserved and anxious about people not liking me. i became self conscious about every single detail of my physical appearance, the way i talked and acted towards others, and never knew who i really was because i was so focused on living up to these cookie cutter expectations i made up in my head of what i should be like.
this, in turn, brought on self disappointment and led me to believe that i wasn’t worth anything more than a waste of space.
i grew out of those feelings, but still had low self confidence…but pushed it aside like it wasn’t really important. i instead focused on my love and care for others and decided that everyone’s problems were more important than my lack of self love, issues with eating, and constant judgements on myself.
this is why i do still love the old me. i’ve always cared about people, been a shoulder to cry on, and would give endless advice & hugs to anyone and everyone who needed it. i shoved my own problems away hoping to never really deal with them.

past relationships and friendships that i’ve had and have failed were 90% of my own fault. of course each one had their own issues, but i started to realize that my own distaste for myself was what was keeping me from trying to put any effort into making it work. i did everything i could, in my eyes, for those people so when they would end i didn’t really think i was doing anything wrong. i was wrong. for years i kept those problems away in that closet, not letting myself be happy with who i was. of course i looked happy. i would smile, get excited, laugh…definitely have the appearance of being happy. but when it came down to it, every detail and flaw about myself i would pick at behind closed doors. i thought that the other person would be able to change that, rather than myself. no, it does not work that way. i gave up. i gave up on someone else trying to make me happy. in the past 5 months, i opened that closet door and really looked at those things i shoved away. i quickly realized that I AM a wonderful person after all. i am beautiful inside. my care for others reflects that beauty. getting through things i’ve struggled with in the past shows my inner strength. everyday i look at who i used to be and realize i should’ve always loved that person. i love who i am today. i love who i know i will become. this is what’s important. being happy with yourself. loving yourself. when you do that, you can truly find that happiness that you didn’t even know was missing.

like i said, i’ve always been there for others. it is now my job, but it’s always been my passion. helping them may be the first step into having them realize they need to have self love. they may not be where they want to be, but they can get there.
i’m no longer afraid of getting close to people. i’ve been hurt, yes, but that’s bound to happen. you cannot let a few people who hurt you determine how everyone will be. you cannot shut everyone out just because you’ve had bad experiences or have grown up in a broken family. the key is loving yourself and others will follow. if they don’t, then maybe they need to work on themselves.

this post turned into a bunch of rambling and probably didn’t make sense. but for some reason, i felt the need to talk about it. finally get it out there that i’m happy. this time, the smile is real.

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