today it’s been raining alllll day. usually on days like these, i do a lot of self reflection. and then i end up getting all sorts of bummed. luckily, i smacked the sadness right out when i decided to kick my own butt at the gym. (endorphins are a great drug that’s free)..
anyway, i started thinking about my life. i tend not to look at the past too much because of all the bad parts of it that i went through, but this time i reminisced on all the good things and that, in turn, made me sad.
when did i grow up so fast? i’m in that stage where i’m not quite on the “next chapter” of life, yet i feel like i ended the last chapter already. i’m somewhere stuck in the middle.
i graduated college. i have a full-time job. i don’t live at home. i don’t see my dad every other weekend. i pay bills. i have school loans. friends surrounding me are getting married. having kids. buying houses. others are still in party mode. others are working on finishing school. i feel like i’m on a completely different page than everyone else. i don’t even know where i should be. [i'm not ready for marriage & kids, i can't afford to buy a house, i do party but don't quite enjoy it as much anymore, and i'm done with school.]
i realized today…that i just feel like my life is passing me by. i go to work early. i come home during somewhat long breaks and do what?…..chores, nap, catch up on mindless tv. then go back to work until late. come home…relax for an hour or so and go back to bed. is this what everyone else does? is this what “living life” is? no wonder time flies when you’re older. so many of us just waste it.
damn that was depressing. thank god i’m pretty good at using these reflections as a chance to turn it into something positive.
warning: the rest of this post is about to be super cheesy and “shoot for your dreams” kind of thang, so you don’t like it i suggest you just stop reading right now. as i’ve said before, i’m not so keen on negativity.
- do what you love & do it often.
- this was actually hard for me to come up with. i know a lot of you probably think i’m crazy, but i really do love to exercise. run, lift, whatever. i love it and i do it often. i also love spending time with my family and i don’t do that often. knowing that you’re making memories with people who’ve been in your life since you were born and just knowing there’s people that will ALWAYS be there, is a good feeling.
- if you don’t like something, change it.
- i don’t like how lazy i am during my breaks. this is definitely going to change. i’m going to pick at least 1-2 things and actually do them rather than think about it. i also don’t like how small my butt is, so i’m working on changing that. hahaha.
- if you don’t like your job, quit.
- fortunately, i freakinglovemyjob, so i’m not going to quit. but i’m going to continue making it a place i love. there’s a reason i still get up at 4:30 a.m. 3-5 days/week after doing it for 3 years!
- if you don’t have enough time, stop watching tv.
- lately, i just use the tv for background noise. but sometimes i get sucked in. i do have time to watch it, but i think i’d rather do something else.
- if you are looking for the love of your life, stop. they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
- the second part is true. i wasn’t even looking & he came out of nowhere and i couldn’t be happier. :)
- stop over analyzing.
- one of my biggest problems. i over analzye EVERYTHING. my body, the way my hair looks, thinking my manager is mad at me, people constantly judging me, the way my blog posts are taken, the things people tell me.. everything.
- all emotions are beautiful.
- i miss crying sometimes. ever since being on anxiety medication, i don’t cry as much. only at grey’s anatomy. lo
- life is simple.- it really is. we make it a lot harder than it needs to be. if i would schedule that doctors appointment right when they called the first time, i wouldn’t be 6 months behind. maybe if i would’ve paid that bill right when i opened it, i wouldn’t worry about it being late. maybe if i cleaned weekly, it wouldn’t take as long when i get around to it. maybe if i would run right when i wake up, i wouldn’t feel guilty for being too tired later in the day and end up skipping it. maybe i would get what i want done if i get off the internet. life is only hard if you make it that way.
- open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people. we are united in our differences.
- one thing i really really love about my job is meeting all different kinds of people. i ask them a million questions to get to know them. and i cherish every conversation i have with each person i meet.
- ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them.
- my inspiring dream is to truly change the life of people i meet. anytime a client tells somebody else “sharelle really changed my life..” i feel on top of the world. they changed their lives themselves, i just helped them along the way. and for them to even thank me at all is truly a blessing.
- travel often: getting lost will help you find yourself.
- i’d like to do this more. i feel like it would help me feel less “stuck” in between chapters.
- some opportunities only come once. seize them.
- this is why i say yes to everything people want me to do. i saw the opportunity to start teaching bootcamp a year and a half ago and have helped make it into a successful fitness program at my gym. i saw the opportunity to get my dream dog and am now happy to have a companion for life. :)
- life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and starting creating.
- life is short. LIVE YOUR DREAM AND WEAR YOUR PASSION.
it’s about that time of year where a lot of new years resolutions have been put on the back burner….yet summer is creeping up so quickly that people are wanting to look good in their swimsuits or run in that race that is only a couple months away.
as for me, i’ve completely changed my workout routine and am realizing that my motivation is still existent, yet during my actualy workouts, i give up too quickly.
time for some goals, perhaps?
1) RUN, SHARELLE, RUN!
Save up for a new pair of running shoes and head out the door. I keep telling myself to start running…it’s getting nicer, yet I still make up the excuses. It’s sad, but getting a new pair of running shoes will do the trick. and maybe signing up for a race so that i don’t have the excuse of not training for anything. I also might be starting a running club at work..so that will pretty much force me to. :)
2) Put down the bottle.
My body tends to hold on to fat like I’m going to die without the extra love handles. And what else stores fat worse than alcohol? Not a whole lot of what is in my diet. Sure, I have the occasional treat or jar of peanut butter…, but for the most part I eat very healthy and clean. I can only look to the crazy amounts of drinks I consume on the weekend for the reason I have some “extra love” around my hips & thighs. Time to say goodbye or at least limit it to 1-2 drinks 1 night a week.
3) Work on “dat ass”.
I had full intentions of really working on my glutes a while ago. I kind of stopped when I started this new workout routine I’ve been following for the past couple of weeks.
Everyday is squat day. or hill runs. or single leg squat practice. or hip thrusts. So when I turn around in the mirror, I actually see something. ;) (Yep, that’s me being vain. It happens way too often for me to be embarassed). At least I’m not one of those people who stares at themselves while working out….are you getting anything done?
4) Unplug and read.
read a book or two. i ordered “casual vacancy” by jk rowling. that’s on my list. and to finally finish mockingjay after starting it a year go.
and for the rest of 2013….
Let’s do this, 2013.
After taking an entire week off from exercising, I’m finally back into the swing of things. I had the stomach flu. Awful stuff, don’t get it. I laid in bed for 2 1/2 days with bodyaches, headache, fever, nausea, etc..
What an energy drainer.
My first day coming back to working out sucked. I actually decided to join my bootcamp participants in a team challenge Molly and I had them do. There was a odd number so I decided to join in the fun. I pushed myself since I wanted help out the team, but wow.. it was hard coming back just after 7 days of not doing any form of activity!
I got back into my power/olympic lifting on tuesday after taking a week off that as well. I could tell I was still recovering because EVERYTHING seemed challenging when it shouldn’t have been. i don’t think i really lost strength, but i felt so weak. the next day i decided to run. surprisingly, that wasn’t too bad until my calf freaked out a bit and now it hurts. injuries are worse for me than being sick.
So after all of that (just 3 days of getting back on the grind), i am so sore i can barely walk up and down the stairs. haha, oh well…nothing will ever make me stop. and this is why i decided to write out a list of my top 5 reasons i work out. it has become a part of my lifestyle that won’t be changing..ever.
1) Working out gives me energy.
there’s only so much coffee i can drink before the effects no longer work for keeping me energized and awake.
for someone like me who has to wake up at 4:30 a.m. 4-5 days out of the week and works with little random breaks throughout the day until about 7:30 p.m., they are going to need to stay energized. with my job, i’m not just sitting at a desk doing mindless tasks either. i am constantly walking around the gym, showing exercises, talking with clients about their lives, and educating them about what they’re doing and why we’re doing it.
i have found nothing else that gives me the energy like consistent exercise does. it doesn’t even matter what i’m doing as long as i’m moving. lifting, running, yoga, whatever it is. i find that on the days i don’t exercise, those are the days when my exhaustion kicks in and i feel drained.
2) It’s cheaper than therapy.
i’ve wrote about how lifting heavy and running has completely cured my anxiety here.
I’ve seen a couple different therapists before in my life due to my anxiety and depression. It’s funny, because i went to college for psychology. i wanted to be a mental health counselor. i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with therapy…i’d actually still love to do that in the future. but for someone like me, it didn’t work. and neither did the medication i was prescribed on. in fact, it made me crazy. i don’t know if it’s because i studied so much psychology that i consciously know what the therapists are going to try to tell me during each session and maybe i was just too stubborn to listen.
anyway, i can count on one hand how many times i’ve had a panic attack since i started consistently working out.
i used to have a constant tight feeling in my chest from being so stressed. now, it’s very rare even when i am super stressed.
i used to shut the world out when i’d feel down. now, i stick my headphones in and run and focus on getting faster.
i used to have outofnowhere crying episodes. i can’t remember the last time that happened.
During middle school, high school, and the first part of college… i had zero confidence. every morning i’d avoid the mirror. i hated who i saw. i never understood why anyone wanted to be friends with me or date me.
i look back at pictures of myself during some of those times and get sad for that person. i don’t even know her. she was so guarded and did things to hide from people.
ever since i started running and weightlifting, i have had SO MUCH confidence. i can tell the changes in myself physically, but also mentally. my outlook on life has changed so much.
what’s funny is that i actually weigh the most i’ve ever weighed in my life right now. when i had no confidence, i would do strict things to lose weight. now, i could care less. this weight has allowed me to run countless miles in the last year, been able to power clean, squat heavy, and lift 200 lbs off the freaking ground.
4) To be able to pee on my own when I’m old.
You can bet your ass that I will still be running and lifting when I’m 80 years old. I see it happen. I’ve seen an 80 year old man out-run me. I see older women come in every single day at the gym who are more than capable of doing things on their own. I already don’t like being taken care of right now and I will not like it when I’m older.
5) For my health.
By exercising frequently, I am combating diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc..but I’m also improving my health in other ways such as
- improving my skin
- regulating digestion
- NEVER HAVING HEADACHES. that’s a big one.
- being able to sleep
and so much more.
If that doesn’t convince you to start working out…contact me. i’m sure i can give you a million other reasons you should. :)
Now I’m off to the gym. Snatch, squat, deadlift is on the agenda.
one of the hardest things for me to do on a daily basis is to stay positive when there is so much negativity surrounding me.
i’ve had my fair share of bad days. i used to be in a bad mood 99% of the time when i had anxiety & depression. it’s hard for most people to believe (unless you were really close to me and had to experience some of my freak outs…sorry) that i used to not be so happy and positive on the inside.
random note: did you know that for every negative you tell yourselves or others, it takes 9 positives to recover the damage?
ever since recovering from my anxiety/depression, i’ve been able to look optimistically at the world around me and continue to smile and stay positive through just about anything that comes my way. anyone can do this on their own…no need for anti-depressants. (i’m not totally against them especially for serious cases, but they did terrible damage to me personally, so i’m kind of a meds-hater).
so in this post i’m going to give some tips on things i’ve done and still do to stay positive when you feel like shutting down and all you can think about is the negative side of everything.
Simple as that. Everyone knows I smile all-the-freaking-time. Members at the gym I work at think it’s weird that even though I’m putting myself through an awful makesmewanttopuke workout, I’m still somehow smiling through it. Or even if something bad happens (like when i got stuck in the snow and had to pay $125 to get a tow), I end up laughing or smiling through my tears.
I’ve gone through some heartbreak in the last few years…things I never even saw coming. Does that stop me from smiling? Nope. I don’t want to bring everyone else down with the pain and hurt that I feel inside from what’s going on….and smiling just to make others smile ends up putting me in a better mood anyway.
2) Don’t engage in negative conversation/Surround yourself with positive people.
No need for unnecessary drama and gossip. What is it ever going to solve to talk bad about other people? I’m not saying I’ve never done this, because we are all victims at this..(sometimes life gets boring, so we talk shit. just saying.) But if your conversations turn into a big gossip fest about other people, how is that ever going to make YOU happy? Sure, there are going to be people you don’t like. get over it. there’s a million other people in this world.
Whenever someone is engaging in a negative conversation, don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. No need to even explain. I often just walk away from conversations that I don’t want to be involved in if I think it’s going to create negative thoughts in my head.
You’d be surprised how much someone else’s negativity brings me down. If someone is in a negative/bad mood, it brings me down. I don’t like feeling that way since I felt that way for so many years, so I try to avoid it as best as I can.
3) Focus on what you can change. Let go of what you can’t change.
This is the most difficult for me. I like to be in control of my life. If something isn’t going my way, it freaks me out. Well, it used to. I think anyone with a past eating disorder can relate to the fact that they thought they were capable of changing anything. This brought upon so many negative thoughts in my head, I can’t even tell you how many. My biggest problem, when dealing with bulimia & overexercising, was that I focused far too much on things I couldn’t change. No amount of calories coming out of me was going to change my bone structure. No specific number on the scale was going to make me all of a sudden happy. No amount of running was going to make all the stress of life disappear.
Instead, I focused on things in my life that I could change.
I quit a job that was causing more stress than good.
I broke up a boyfriend that made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything.
I started to really take a look at my health and focused more on fitness gains than counting calories and losing weight.
So end this day however you feel, but wake up tomorrow starting on a more positive note. You might feel a bit better about life. Even if it’s just for a day.
over two years ago you would’ve never seen me:
- back squat my bodyweight
- deadlift 200 lbs!
- do a run that involves obstacles & mud
or throw 85# over my head
I couldn’t have done any of this without constant motivation and help from the trainers & instructors from Performance Health & Fitness. I’m so grateful that I work for such a great place. I would’ve never even pursued a career in personal training if I didn’t start working there. & now it is my job to help people like they all have helped me. I’ve changed my lifestyle and I wouldn’t have it any other way. it’s been such a rewarding experience to see where i started and where i am today. i really was a “chickenshit.” i had absolutely no confidence in myself and now i’m beaming with it. i step into the lifting area ready to see what kind of improvements i can make each day. i’m ready to take on any race that comes my way. who is this girl?! i don’t know, but i’m loving her and who she’s becoming.
i just hope that my own journey of self love and confidence reflects on others. i want everyone to feel how i feel and am ready to help anyone that needs it. stop being scared and stop hating yourselves. you don’t know what you’re capable of until you try.
Looking back at my 2012 goals, I realized that I accomplished almost every. single. one. That makes me feel very well accomplished this year in more ways than one.
Most of this year has been awesome but some of it has been rough & shitty to say the least. Things happened beyond my control and I had to suck it up and deal with it. I think the hardest parts about this year were losing people close to me [not by death.] It’s always so hard for me to say goodbye. Each time they leave, I regret not spending enough time with them before they go. I guess you could say I’m a little scared to get close to anyone because I’ve had to deal with this countless times.
I’m still dealing with the hurt of my mom & stepdad’s divorce. I’m probably one of the most understanding kids any parent could have, and that’s what makes it even harder for me. As much as I want to be mad or hold a grudge, I am too understanding on both sides. That’s one thing about myself that I have a love/hate relationship with. I can honestly put myself in another person’s shoes and have a sense of what they feel and what is going on through their head in certain situations. I think that’s maybe why I never get into fights with people either. Even if I don’t agree with what a person does, I usually had a good idea of what their motive is behind it or why they did what they did. Does that make me a weirdo? Yeah, probably.
Moving on to the good things.
I kicked life’s ass this year by graduating college, getting a full time job as an ACSM certified personal trainer, ran 11 races, and found out I am not only mentally strong, but physically strong as well[thanks to my new found love of powerlifting].
I have never been so proud of myself….ever than I have this year.
I went the entire year with having less than 3 anxiety attacks[and didn't think once about taking medication].
I have almost gotten rid of my negative self talk that used to go through my head on a daily basis.
I have been happy on most days of the year.
I have 3 amazing best friends that I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
So what’s next for 2013? I really can’t top most of those things. Life can always be improved though, right? Let’s see…
1) I made a commitment to workout 280 hours this year. So basically a little over 60 min/day 5x a week.
2) Do an unassisted pull up. This was on my 2012 goals list…and I did an unassisted chin up so I’d say that’s pretty achievable now.
3) Squat 1.5x my bodyweight. That is over 200 pounds. Right now I can squat 140# for 5 reps.
4) Maybe not do 11 races, but I’d still like to sign up for some this year.
5) Take my Siberian Husky, Akira, on walk or runs 2-3x/day for at least 20-30 minutes.
1) Drink more water.I kind of slacked towards the end of this year. I still probably drink more water than 90% of the population though. ;)
2) Eat more local & more whole foods.
3) Figure out what the heck I’m allergic to because I know it’s something.
1) Not really school anymore, but continue to extend my knowledge in all aspects of my career.
1) Get my finances in line. Now that I do have a full time job, I have everything that comes with the responsibility of having one. Money is going to be tight for everyone this year and rumor is that milk is going up to $9/gallon by the end of 2013. Time to start saving any little bit I can.
looking back on my 23 years of living life has empowered me to love the person i was, the person i am now, and the person i strive to be.the past has had its’ up and downs, the present does as well, and i can guarantee the future will too.
i have always been mentally strong, but i am learning everyday how to tackle certain challenges that come across and ways of dealing with things that seem out of my control.
i’m not like most people when it comes to looking back on their life. i don’t remember a lot of things before i was in grade school, only the stories i hear from my family. i grew up in a unique household. a 15 year old father who dropped out of high school because he knew he now had financial responsibilities for having a child and a mother who struggled as a single mom to get through college and find her place in this world. both of them together, even though separated, have made me into the person i am today. i grew up surrounded by love, yet i tended to shy away from it. i saw many couples in my family break apart and it kept me from getting close to anyone.
it was hard for me to make friends because i was shy, reserved and anxious about people not liking me. i became self conscious about every single detail of my physical appearance, the way i talked and acted towards others, and never knew who i really was because i was so focused on living up to these cookie cutter expectations i made up in my head of what i should be like.
this, in turn, brought on self disappointment and led me to believe that i wasn’t worth anything more than a waste of space.
i grew out of those feelings, but still had low self confidence…but pushed it aside like it wasn’t really important. i instead focused on my love and care for others and decided that everyone’s problems were more important than my lack of self love, issues with eating, and constant judgements on myself.
this is why i do still love the old me. i’ve always cared about people, been a shoulder to cry on, and would give endless advice & hugs to anyone and everyone who needed it. i shoved my own problems away hoping to never really deal with them.
past relationships and friendships that i’ve had and have failed were 90% of my own fault. of course each one had their own issues, but i started to realize that my own distaste for myself was what was keeping me from trying to put any effort into making it work. i did everything i could, in my eyes, for those people so when they would end i didn’t really think i was doing anything wrong. i was wrong. for years i kept those problems away in that closet, not letting myself be happy with who i was. of course i looked happy. i would smile, get excited, laugh…definitely have the appearance of being happy. but when it came down to it, every detail and flaw about myself i would pick at behind closed doors. i thought that the other person would be able to change that, rather than myself. no, it does not work that way. i gave up. i gave up on someone else trying to make me happy. in the past 5 months, i opened that closet door and really looked at those things i shoved away. i quickly realized that I AM a wonderful person after all. i am beautiful inside. my care for others reflects that beauty. getting through things i’ve struggled with in the past shows my inner strength. everyday i look at who i used to be and realize i should’ve always loved that person. i love who i am today. i love who i know i will become. this is what’s important. being happy with yourself. loving yourself. when you do that, you can truly find that happiness that you didn’t even know was missing.
like i said, i’ve always been there for others. it is now my job, but it’s always been my passion. helping them may be the first step into having them realize they need to have self love. they may not be where they want to be, but they can get there.
i’m no longer afraid of getting close to people. i’ve been hurt, yes, but that’s bound to happen. you cannot let a few people who hurt you determine how everyone will be. you cannot shut everyone out just because you’ve had bad experiences or have grown up in a broken family. the key is loving yourself and others will follow. if they don’t, then maybe they need to work on themselves.
this post turned into a bunch of rambling and probably didn’t make sense. but for some reason, i felt the need to talk about it. finally get it out there that i’m happy. this time, the smile is real.